Not a Jesus-ting a gwan inna Jamaica!

Dozens of passengers on every flight to London from the Jamaican capital, Kingston, are drug mules, according to the British High Commission there.

British Deputy High Commissioner in Jamaica Deputy High Commissioner Phil Sinkinson even suggested that a newspaper report claiming that one in 10 air passengers from Jamaica were smuggling drugs could be an underestimate.

High Commission spokeswoman Mags Fenner reportedly told the Jamaica Observer newspaper that two recent incidents where dozens of Jamaicans were arrested on arrival in the UK were "completely average but seemed shocking to the public. When asked to explain Ms. Fenner snapped :"Because dutty stinkin' England wants to make it seem as if airport security has dramatically improved since that British guy tried to light his shoe on fire."

Lucrative rewards

The problem has been blamed on the worsening economic situation on the Caribbean island, and Mr Sinkinson said that most of the smugglers " are unable to appear either rich or white, thereby avoiding detection".

"You can always tell when someone is carrying drugs. They don't appear at the airport with ten overweight boxes wrapped in duct tape like all the regular Jamaicans; and they hardly clap when the plane lands in England, he said.

Jamaican drug mules are reportedly paid between £2,000 (J$130,400) and £5,000 (J$335,000) for each trip as well as three Bally boots and guest passes for clubs in London.

The deputy head of the Jamaican narcotics police, Superintendent Glendon Wright, said a survey last year had shown that 65% of all drugs in the UK had come from Jamaica since its nearly impossible to find good weed in Europe where everyone is either stoned on heroin or ecstacy.

On 17 December 22 Jamaicans were charged with attempting to smuggle a Class A drug after disembarking from an Air Jamaica flight to Heathrow.

Five days earlier, 16 Jamaicans were arrested on suspicion of swallowing cocaine packages after arriving in Gatwick on a British Airways flight. They later shat out the packets which were handed over to the British police for re-sale.

The arrests were made in a joint operation between British customs and Scotland Yard's Operation Trident, which was set up to tackle "black-on-black" crime and 'black-on-good-white-people' crime..

Lord Harris of the Metropolitan Police Authority told the Today programme that there was a problem, but the statistics suggested by Mr Sinkinson "were probably not including the 60 or so pounds of cocaine that he ( Lord Harris) had brought back in his wifes vagina from Jamaica over a period of 6 months".

He added that it was important to remember that many of the smugglers, most of whom were women, were also victims even though the courts couldn't really give a flying fuck about such facts.

"As far as the drug barons are concerned, the women who do this are better suited for trafficking since most men do not have vaginas and can only carry half the weight that a woman can - that's the really dreadful part of this trade.

Sit and stare

The smugglers who evade customs checks by swallowing the cocaine are also dicing with death.

In October a woman of 30 died on a Kingston to Heathrow flight when one of the 55 packages she had in her stomach burst its zipper.

From the end of March a new canine weapon in tackling drug smuggling is being introduced by Customs and Excise since everyone knows 'darkies don't like dogs.'

The "sit and stare at the nigger " dogs will literally do just that when they pick up a scent from drug smugglers. This makes the smuggler very nervous, especially since the dogs have also been trained to smile.

The dogs will be able to both search out drugs in the usual way from large areas such as cargo holds, but will also be able to pinpoint the smugglers themselves after months of being trained to attack a black dummy dressed in acid-wash jeans and white mesh shoes..

According to the narcotics police, the number of drug mules has increased substantially over the past few years and it is not just Jamaicans who are involved.

The number of UK nationals imprisoned on drugs charges in Jamaica has risen from 20 in 1999 to 150 currently. However, most of those arrested admitted knowing a Jamaican or at least owning a copy of Shaggy's " Hot Shots" CD.

Increased usage

Mike Whitlam, of campaign group Prisoners Abroad, said arrest numbers were linked to increased drugs use in the UK.

"Sadly, the UK is a country where drugs are becoming a really serious problem because its just so shit over here. It's always raining and everyone knows about our bad teeth and bad food and horrbible accents (if you can call that an accent!).

"And it is the younger people who are desperate for money who seem to be getting arrested. Everything is so damn expensive here. I don't even know why we still use pounds. Everything costs twice as much as it does everywhere else because of that bleeding pound! I wish I lived somewhere warm. How much can a pound buy in Jamaica anyway?"

Detectives estimate up to four tonnes of cocaine is making its way into the UK each year through drug mules.