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EVERYONE WANTS
A DESERT EAGLE by Peter Dean Rickards
Picture this. You're returning
home in a taxi one night and your arm is hanging out of
the door. As you pass through a darkened area you notice
something moving fast towards you out of the darkness.
Instinctively, you yank your arm back into the vehicle
and curse before realizing that its only a couple of bad
tempered mongrels looking to eat one of your fingers.
Before you can say another
word, you hear a loud click and when you turn around you
see something that you really were not expecting : your
driver--with his eyes wide open and the biggest handgun
you have ever seen in your life--a DESERT EAGLE--in his
shaking hand.
"A who di' rasscloth
dat!", he exclaims with the nozzle of the gun waving
a little too close to your face, " which pussy waaan
dead tonight?!"
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-"Chill
bredrin, its just a couple of dogs...beg yuh hold dat
down."
Indeed, that was the first
time I ever saw the business end of a DESERT EAGLE up
close and it made me think:
THOUGHT #1: " What
the fuck is this nigga doing with that giant gun?!"
THOUGHT #2: " What
kind of person carries around such a gruesome looking
machine?"
Needless to say, I decided
against asking the taxi driver anything about his gun
, but after a little research, I soon discovered the answer
to thought #2:
EVERYONE WANTS A DESERT
EAGLE. JUST LOOK:
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Cathy
Gentles 31, registered nurse and husband Livingston , 35,
hamster breeder.
"After burglars broke in last
September and made Livingston dress up in my office skirt
before shoving one of his prize-winning hamsters up his
ass, we bought ourselves a DESERT EAGLE. Nowadays, Livingston's
ass has almost totally healed and we sleep easier at nights
knowing that if anyone breaks in again , we can shove
this big dutty gun up their ass and send them straight
to hell.."
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Carty "Poi-Poi" Atkinson,
62, Bannana Farmer
"Nuttin
nah gwan fi' di likkle farmer dem ina' dutty stinkin'
Jamaica. And since di' place full up a bare teef, mi'
haffi mek sure dat mi' can defend mi' likkle patch a ground.
That's why me ask mi' brodda ina' Miami fi' pack an' send
a barrel wit' two criss DESERT EAGLE ina it. Dem is big
and when mi buss it, man cyaan even have open casket funeral
di' way him skull bore. Teef fi' dead."
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Brigette
Samuels, 18, almostpubes.com model
" I simply love my DESERT
EAGLE (smiles)...The Eagle's 6" barrel and the big
.50 AE cartridge propels a 300 gr. bullet at 1,500 fps.
That translates into 1,500 ft./lbs. of muzzle energy,
or 40-50% more oomph than .44 Magnum six-guns offer. It's
also available with a 10" barrel which will easily
penetrate that Canadian hand-me-down body armour that
the Jamaica Defence Force uses
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Agnes
Von Zipper, 92, retired teacher and Nazi sympathizer
"I don't like spics.
And I sure don't like niggers . And I really hate the
French. If I see any of them around here, I'm gonna shoot
them all dead with my EAGLE of the DESERT. Where is this
place? My diaper is dirty. MAAAAAA...MAAAAAA...BOOGOO
BOOOGOO!!!"
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Anita
Brookfield, 35, recovering Catholic and alcoholic neighborhood
tramp.
"I
admit it. I like pills. But that man. That man at the
pharmacy.
He wouldn't
listen to me.
I told
him I'd shoot, but he wouldn't listen to me.
Why wouldn't
he listen to me?"
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Roland
Butt, 45, creepy clean-cut kiddie diddler.
"The DESERT EAGLE
suits my needs just fine. If anyone comes sniffing around
my place. I just shoot them with it...you know? And put
their body in the freezer with the others...and sometimes
I take them out later and tie their frozen carcasses to
the chairs at the dining table ..then we have tea and
chat and into the wee hours of the morning and play my
Brittney Spears records."
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Esther
Rolle, DEAD, former willingly stereotyped actress.
"I sho' lubs my DESERT EAGLES. I
remember back in the days when I couldn't even afford
chitlins, I would go out with my DESERT EAGLE and shoot
something to eat. Sometimes it was a pigeon. Sometimes
a raccoon. These days I got TWO DESERT EAGLES and even
tho' I don't gotta hunt for no food no mo', there's nuthin'
I lubs more after a long day than comin' home , strippin'
off all my clothes , and waving these muthas at anyone
who comes within' 50 yards of my house." |
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Wendy
Fitzwilliam, Miss Universe 1998
During my reign as Miss
Universe, I developed a passion for the DESERT EAGLE after
a stalker was caught outside my house in Trinidad with
one of them. The arresting officer liked me so he let
me have the gun. Now, whenever I see a DESERT EAGLE on
TV I scream out: "THATS MY GUN! THATS MY GUN!"
and everyone laughs because they know thats crazy talk
even though I'm not crazy.
I also use
it to make Roti which is a popular dish in Trinidad
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Lisa
Bonet, age unknown, weird-ass former child star.
"Like, I feel most at one with my
DESERT EAGLE when I'm contorting myself into letters of
the alphabet and chanting " LENNY KRAVITZ IS A FAGGOTY
NO-TALENT SELLOUT.
Hey, you got any coke?"
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Elian
Gonzalez , 6, cunning Cuban brat
" First
you get the money...then you get the power...then you
get the ooman. Hey cuntface Reno, get me some new Nike's."
SLAP!
"Hey
white lady...fuck you meng...! Nobody slaps me Ese'! I'm
ELIAN! ELIAN fuckeeeng GONZALEEEEEEZ!!!"
BLAM..BLAM!
BLAM!
"Look
at you now meng? Look at you now!!!
I love this
fuckeeng country meng. Let's go to fuckeeeng Dairy Queen" |
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