The train took forever to arrive , but I occupied myself by buying a chocolate bar from a vending machine.

I shoved it underneath the mask and took large bites as an old woman with one of those dumpy wire carts stood nearby looking at me with disappoval.

I ignored her and continued to shove my arm up into my head and eat the Kit-Kat bar.

Eventually the train came rumbling along the tracks and I jumped in without checking its destination and sat down on the closest seat to the door.


The doors closed and I looked around the train car which was empty except for a old derelict male at at the far end. He had a plastic-looking schoolbag (probably with body parts in it) and a balloon with a a symbol on it that looked a lot like the MTV logo.

I found that a little strange, but it wasn't half as strange as the guy who entered the car in the next ten seconds.

He was a black guy wearing a red thong and a bunch of red thread all over his chest. His hair was braided into one 3 foot spike that scraped along the ceiling of the subway car.

Around his neck he had hung several items including a large framed photograph of a Ku Klux Klan member sitting on a horse and a small plastic toy trumpet which he clutched as if it was the only thing in the world that gave him purpose.

Of course, he spotted me instantly and came over and sat down directly across from me.

He stared at me with his fucked up blue contact lenses and his dagger teeth. He smelled like Brandy's scabby scalp.

"What the FUCK you doin here!?", he blurted at me.

"Same thing you're doing", I said.

"Oh...I don't THINK SO", he howled.

He raised the plastic trumpet in front of his face and waved it left...then right...and then in circles.

I didn't like him but he didn't really frighten me. He was really skinny and since he was naked except for that red thong and the thread and the stuff round his neck, I knew he didn't have any weapons except for that stupid plastic trumpet.

He stood up from his seat and continued waving the trumpet around and doing this weird dance that convinced me that he was high from smelling glue.

That's when I decided to move to another part of the car but as I got up he grabbed me by my shoulder and spun me around.

"LOOK!", he muttered as he shoved the little green plastic trumpet up his ass.

I was repulsed. I whipped off my belt and started to beat him with it over and over again with the buckle part.

He fell on the floor with the trumpet still sticking out of his ass and I started to stomp him with the heel of my Clarke's.

I continued to beat him until the train pulled into a train station somewhere near Times Square.

I walked over to the doors and waited for them to open as the man with the red thong lay on the ground in a fetal postion with the trumpet still sticking out of his ass.

That is...until the guy with the MTV balloon came over and yanked it out of his ass and put it into a small plastic bag.

The doors opened and I walked left. The guy with the balloon headed right.

I don't know what happened to the guy with the red thong but several months later I saw him in the crowd on the Today show holding a sign that said :